Reflections on the recent past and the near future scare the shit out of me. I am starting this post this way as I have just lost my mother to Alzheimer’s after a long battle and as for the future, well I am having deep feelings wash over me like a tsunami.

For the past four years I have taken care of my mother and it was a challenge to say the least. I witnessed a vibrant lady melt away slowly and become dependent on someone else after a lifetime of caring for others needs before thinking of herself. A woman who throughout life was determined to stand tall and believed that if you thought of doing something you should get up then and there and get it done, as long as it didn’t hurt anyone else. I will always cherish the little things mother did for me as well as others, things I have taken for granted before without thought or consideration and most times without compassion.

As I sat in rehab back in 1989 we were told that a meeting would take place with our parents as a way to get a grip on reality. As I sat there in a circle of stoner’s and alcoholics I watched as one by one they all broke down and melted in a puddle of tears when their parents told of tales of youth where their kids were angels and just had bad breaks that put them where they were. I was skeptical about how the patients could show hurt without anger and if it was really hitting home with them but each one showed emotions that I didn’t believe were inside of me and kept telling myself that when it was my turn I would be a smart-ass and blow it off with laughter. Alas that was not the case when the time finally came and my mother was asked to comment. she caught me and the rest of that room off guard when she spoke but only one sentence, “You have always told me a song described it best, “the only hell my mama ever raised”. Needless to say my big thought of laughing it off flew out the door when she made that comment and I too melted into a puddle of tears.

The rehab didn’t take and I continued to be a hell raiser for another 10 years before I finally woke up. Through this time of trials I spoke with my mother over the phone sparsely and would visit when I was in town but it seems like I always kept her on the back burner. I guess that it took the death of my oldest sister to slap me upside the head and start to care about family more. I moved to Alabama and started to call mama every week to just bullshit and make sure she was doing ok. About four years or so went by and then she said she couldn’t really hear me too good and would put her husband on the line. He would assure me everything was good and that she was just having a hard time hearing. Around 2006 or so she would answer the phone and say that she didn’t know who I was. I went home to visit and mother didn’t know who I was [a true heartbreaking experience]. It took about a half hour of staring at me and friends and family telling her about me before she suddenly brightened up with recognition that I was her “baby boy”. I moved back to Indiana in 07′ because of health reasons and with her help I, like Humpty Dumptyahump was put whole again. MANY THANX MOM! I spent a couple of years [6] getting in the right health both physically and mentally and for the last four I was taking care of her while trying to keep mentally strong also. When I first started that journey mom was able to talk and still function more or less with help as she couldn’t drive anymore but could still write a grocery list, carry on an intelligent conversation and if you were around regularly she would remember you. This was the beginning of the end of the only true love I have ever known.

R.I.P. Mother with the knowledge that you were and are still an angel, with love, me


As I deal with the biggest loss in my life I am blessed with many opportunities and the realization that the world is mine for the taking. I have in these last few weeks found peace in my mother’s passing by way of another love entering my life. I have been stalked [joking dear] by a long lost friend that is going through a worse experience than I did as I had help from my siblings and she doesn’t. Cheryl was a friend I met back in 79′ or 80′ as she was married to a friend I grew up with and upon moving back home from Cali we met. We hung around for the better part of a decade before I lost contact with her and a few others I would like to see again. She had been divorced and re-married thus when the fabulous Facebook friend came knocking I noticed she was friends with my niece so friended her without looking at her profile. She was quiet for the most part and for a long time we didn’t really talk but would like a post on each others timeline. You really need to change your profile pic babe! Beside the fact that when we met again after the long absence we picked up right where we left off, there seems to be more now than before for us to rejoice in.

I would be at the least an asshole if I didn’t mention the family, cousins, uncles and close friends that have helped me through this and are there for me now as well. The list would be too long to put in here but you guys know who you are and many thanx to all! Outside of the love of family, friends and Cheryl I am also at a turning point in my life as to what I want and need to do from here.

To reach back into the past and pick the good things out to bring into the future is kinda cool and I’m a thinking that among those will be Angels and Harley’s to name a few. Life is not going to be cherries and I know this as I am facing another great loss in my life as my brother is facing stage 4 cancer. I refuse to look at all of this with a bitter attitude but more of determination to live life the best I can with the joy of friends.  NORMOL is something we should all be a part of and if the $25 annual fee is to much to pay than I say rethink your values! This organization has been fighting for your rights since 1972 and I am PROUD to be a part of it!

I Accept the Solution

I Accept the Solution

Jump upon the freedom train my friends and let’s get our priority’s right while we have a chance. I am seeing great things in store for us all and will continue to hold my head high as I march into yet another cold winter knowing I will be able to stay warm with the thought of all of you that touch my life in a positive way, Thanx Ernie.

peace ©2014beibejones





~ by beibejones on November 19, 2014.

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